Guess where we were?

No.

Quinn just asked, "Hey, Mom? Can you go outside and get me that lighter I found? I want to show Dad how I can light things up."

Fireworks

They were interesting. Started out with an old, old bomber flying loop-de-loops. The first five loops were pretty cool. The next fifteen loops got a little bit old. The pyrotechnics were nice. We probably should have gotten a little bit closer. Instead of driving to the parking lot and sitting in the lawn area with everyone else, we decided to back into a country ditch a couple miles away (so we could avoid traffic!). Well, we got stuck in the tall wet grass and Mr. Rellim was not there to push us out. Fortunately, some strong, nice drunk people were up to the task. Happy 232nd!

Happy Birthday, America!

"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."

— Thomas Paine, author

Sunfall

I kinda like the word. According to Quinn, that is when fireworks will start tomorrow.

What Did You Say?!

Quinn and I were walking this morning and I had just reprimanded him for trying to burp or pass gas with every step, when he said to me, "Mom, you know, we should really think about the national debt."

"What about it?" I asked, certain that he had inadvertently used a phrase that he had no idea about.

Instead, I was floored with this response, "You know, the national debt is over 5 trillion dollars now and with every war, the debt continues to skyrocket. The only way we can pay off the debt is to raise taxes and I'm not really into paying for other people's poor spending choices."

"Uh . . yeah . . . I agree with you," I said.

Where did he get this information? SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK music cartoons!!!!!!!

WRONG Answer

Rachel asked me why a certain group of boys are "nice and normal" when they talk to her but "act all weird" when more girls are around. I told her that the boys probably feel comfortable around her because she is nice to them while the girls she mentioned are often giggly and flighty.

"What do you think?" I asked Mr. Rellim.

Mr. Rellim replied, "Well, Rachel, the truth is that boys have only one thing on their mind and it makes it hard to concentrate."

"What thing?" asked Rachel.

I shot the man the look of certain death if he were to continue.

"What thing?" asked Quinn.

"Oooooh!" said Rachel, then fell into a silence that lasted until she and her brother started laughing hysterically.

I hope they were thinking about Scooby Doo or American Idol.

Friends for Lunch

Haven't seen Mr. Rellim for about 30 minutes. I'm getting lunch ready for some friends, so he decided to go detail the van. OK, so I asked him to do it (for my birthday 3 weeks ago!). Better late than never?

When Does Life Begin?

Not such a tough question, is it?

All Smiles

Quinn with his spoils after four days of basketball camp. Seems he made two of ten free throws in the contest today to claim the free throw champion medal for all boys his age.

Illiterate

Friends of ours recently welcomed a baby daughter into their family. (Keep in mind these friends raise pigs.) Their four year old son asked if he and his sister were illiterate.

It took them a while to figure out that he was really asking if he and his sister were littermates.

Corpse Flower

We just missed its blooming - and it only happens once every six years. Oh well, that means we also missed its stench. They don't call it a corpse flower for nothing. Yes, it really is about six feet tall. Native to Indonesia.

Fancy Schmancy Wedding

Yet another Rellim wedding provides food and fun. This one was a bit on the "uptown" formal side. At least I thought so, until the bridal party joined in the paper bag dance. During this dance, everyone placed a Jewel/Osco paper shopping bag over his head to have a dance-off. The set-up was that only one person was unknowingly left to dance while the others watched. Very entertaining. Congrats to Andy and Kristi!

Elizabeth Jane circa 1845

Rachel spent the entire day as a volunteer pioneer. Most of the morning she hoisted a scythe and harvested a wheat field. For noon victuals, she made biscuits at the fireplace and picked lettuce from the garden. Now at home, she is enjoying a long shower. (A person can only rough-it for so long!)

Guess Where We Were?

Rachel and my mom posed near the Arch in St. Louis. We did not take the tram to the top. Did it once in 1977. Scared me enough to last over 30 years. The elevator at the Hilton was exciting enough for me.

Envelopes

Do students no longer receive instruction on how to address envelopes? My twelve-year-old daughter practically needed hand over hand assist to complete this task today. I'm serious! She didn't even know where on the envelope to write the address (offset center). She put the zip code on the line under the name - in front of the street address. She didn't know the abbreviation for Illinois.

Her explanation: "Who writes letters anymore? I only send emails."

Rachel's Prayer

(As best I can recall)

"Dear God, please help Mom realize that when she dies and goes to heaven - and I think it is a pretty good possibility that she will get to go there - that there won't be houses that need to be cleaned or picked up. So help her to GET A GRIP and take it easy on us because a messy house is not the most important thing to worry about."

New Home?

One of my sisters called to tell me about an awesome home with over 17,000 square feet of living space for sale near me for only 68 grand. Not sure how much it would cost to take out the asbestos. We risked trespassing charges to photograph the brick giant. I think the chain link fence, blacktop and metal swings come with it.

Happy Belated Father's Day

"Fathers have an incalculable impact on their daughters. Most psychologists believe, and I am one of them, that all future romantic relationships to occur in a girl’s life will be influenced positively or negatively by the way she perceives and interacts with her dad."

— Dr. James Dobson, adapted from his
Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide

We're Back

During a four-day experience with family, one often receives interesting counsel. We have settled on our favorite from this past weekend.

"Don't walk with your hands in your pockets. If you fall down, you'll break both of your elbows!!"

How to Annoy your Brother

. . . in five words or less - "Remember when your gerbil died?"

Next, say it over and over again while he's trying to eat supper.

Upon return to the table after being sent to your room for starting a screaming argument, apologize by saying, "I'm sorry for talking about when your gerbil died."

When your mother reprimands you, stare at her quizzically and say, "WHAT?!"

Dear IRS

My son doesn't know how he got this hole in his shirt and I don't know why you keep sending us letters. I mean, YES - it does seem sorta unusual that someone would sell feed as a side job and actually incur more expenses than income, but isn't that what happens in the ag industry?

Once when Mr. Rellim was out of earshot, his family banker asked me, "Do you know what a farmer would do with $1 million dollars? Keep farming until he needed more money!"

Anyway, keep your pants on, IRS! The reams of supporting documentation are headed your way.

What Is It?

These big balls are all over a huge, old tree alongside our house. Nobody has been able to identify the balls or the tree. We have no idea. I do know what they sound like when they hit the roof and side of the house going 80 miles per hour, propelled by straight line winds. SCARY.

More Talk

I was showing my daughter certain "accessories" necessary to deal with a monthly cycle, and I questioned how well she was taking this serious discussion. You see, most interactions in our home are informal and often sarcastic. (I'm sure you can barely believe that.)

I suppose I was relieved (sorta - in a strange way) to notice she was attempting to stick something in her right nostril. Anything to help lighten the mood of the discussion.

Smart as a Fifth Grader?

I was helping Quinn with a crossword puzzle and asked him the continent where the Sahara Desert could be found. He said, "I don't know. Probably somewhere with a really warm climate."

Gifted

Rachel was stealth-snacking on one of those drumstick ice cream treats. I gave her the "caught ya!" look and pointed to the sofa cushion next to her, indicating a piece of chocolate coating that had fallen. She picked it up and popped it into her mouth.

I then noticed a chunk on the floor, so pointed toward it. Again, Rachel picked it up and put it in her mouth. But this time, she started spitting and hollering. Uh . . . it wasn't chocolate. I think it was dirt.

Go-Togethers

Linus has his blanket. Sponge Bob has his Patrick. Mr. Rellim has his pillow. I'm assuming he has had this pillow since BC (before college). It looks as if it has survived a few roadtrips and maybe even a thunderstorm or two. In 1994 it kept him company the week he slept at his hog-buying station in Iowa.

I've tried to "air it," hide it and cover it. I have even tried to lose it. The pillow returns.

Today I gave him the option of shopping for a new pillow for his Father's Day gift. He stared at me but did not answer. I suggested that we first put the pillow out to sea in a gasoline-soaked boat, then shoot flaming arrows at it. He asked, "Who do we know with a bow and arrow?"

Aha! I think we are heading toward a compromise.

It Happened

We figured it was only a matter of time. She's called the cops on everyone else in the neighborhood. Tonight was our turn. Apparently she could tell (based on her immense experience with little dogs) that the four pigs on the trailer parked in front of our home for the last ten hours were being abused.

The two police officers who came to "investigate the complaint" were pleasantly surprised to find four fine, well-fed and watered swine. They were obliged to give us options if we would like to move the truck and trailer, but they found no basis for the complaint and apologized for our inconvenience.

Hmmm . . . now to get Quinn to sleep. He was certain that his daddy was, "going to get cuffed!"

The End of Reason

Pleasure without boundaries produces life without purpose - Ravi Zacharias

This book is best read AFTER reading Sam Harris' "Letter to a Christian Nation" - or not. Ravi replies to the illogical arguments, errors and misrepresentation of facts in Harris' book. I enjoy a good debate, but this is definitely one-sided. God wins.

I'm a Traditionalist

And I support abstinence education. What else is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy and STDs? Do you trust these statistics?

Maria Sue Chapman

If you follow contemporary Christian music, you probably already know that Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter died a week ago. Have you read his (manager's) blog that describes her memorial service? Absolutely beautiful.

Perhaps, like me, you will be moved to contribute to Maria's Miracle Fund.

Teeth

Quinn lost a tooth last night. He lost another one the night before. The tooth fairy is going to go broke.

(Reminds me of another time we threw money away. . . . Rachel's dentist advised us that she needed a partial root canal. We paid $700 for it. The tooth fell out two weeks later . . .)

Quinn's trying to save up for a Nintendo DS game, so I've been watching him wiggle some other teeth today. I told him he could weed the garden and I'd pay him five bucks. No deal.

Total Money Makeover

Dave Ramsey writes in his book a profound thought:

"It is the duty of the good people to get wealth to keep it from the bad people, because the good people will do good with it. If we all abandon money because some misguided souls view it as evil, then the only ones with money will be the p*@nographer, the d r u gdealer, or the pimp. Simple enough?"

Good book. Great, practical plan for financial security. Reminiscent of Larry Burkett.

Vocabulary Lesson

Quinn asked me if I knew where his Nerf Gun ammo could be. I told him, "You'll probably find it in that abyss called your bedroom."

He quickly ran to his father to tell him, "Mom just cussed at me!"

Class Reunion

What's twenty years among friends? At the formal banquet, there were three women attending from the class of 1933. Amazing. The speaker from the class of 1938 told a story about his dog named "sex." I guess when you are 87 years old (and have just contributed 100 grand to the school district), you can talk about whatever you want . . .

Grandma Phoebe

This picture shows that one is never too old to learn new tricks. It was sweet to see what a patient teacher Quinn could be. Who doesn't want to play Nintendo DS?

March 1st Wedding

1st: Rellim Family

2nd: Mr. Rellim with his two brothers, two nephews and Quinn, on the occasion of a beautiful wedding.

Pretty

The cheddar pinks are blooming. Come see my garden! Sorry, couldn't smile. Sun was in my eyes.

Prince Caspian

Douglas Gresham, C.S. Lewis' stepson, is co-director on this film that is absolutely amazing. The battle scenes are somewhat intense, but the themes of honor, integrity, loyalty and love abound. The directors even added a bit of flirting to their version. The scene where Lucy stands with Aslan alone at one end of the bridge over the Fords of Beruna , holding only a small dagger, against the entire army of Miraz reminded me of David and Goliath. This is a must-see!

Can You Drive 55?

I tried it today. Weird. I think I could run that fast. I felt that I should run behind the van and push it to help us go faster. I can see how someone could have a false sense of security that applying make-up, texting, calling, eating or shaving does not interfere with driving skills.

Oligarchy!

"The California Supreme Court clearly decided "what ought to be" rather than "what is." But the function of "what ought to be" belongs to the people and their elected legislators, not a handful of crusading escapees from law school who find the actual practice of judging d eadly boring when compared to the temptation of creating social policy. . . .

A proposed constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman awaits the voters of California in November, having received more than 1.1 million signatures during the petition process. If that amendment passes, perhaps the justices on the California Supreme Court will be forced to dust off their unused copies of the state constitution and discover that it is the citizens, not the courts, who decide how they should be governed."

by Bruce Hausknecht, judicial analyst

Household Chores

Ever feel like it could be one of your children winning this award some day? I've actually been waiting three days for Rachel to clear her school papers off the kitchen table. I keep setting the table on top of her papers. It doesn't seem to bother her at all.

Endoscopy

Rachel asked me why a tube with a light on it would have to go inside her friend's dad's butt. I briefly described colonoscopy and age-related preventative medicine. I told her this procedure for the colon is analogous to the annual pap smear for women. I knew I shouldn't have started this conversation over breakfast, but it had to happen sometime. It ended with her loudly proclaiming, "THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!"

Bedtime

Quinn has requested that his new bedtime be "permanently" changed to 8:30. Planning ahead, he has also DEMANDED that his bedtime be 9:00 when he turns 16.

I made the deal. Now I'd like to get that in writing.

Sixth Grade Chorus Concert

The first song on the program was "Gloria." Mr. Rellim started humming, "G-L-O-R-I-A -- Gloooooooria!" He was extremely disappointed when the chorus sang, "Gloria in excelsis deo." Rachel also sang in the show choir that performed Greased Lightning. Mike told her that she was the best dancer and that he could hear her singing above all the others. I tried to tell him that was not complimentary and he said, "Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about. My ears are more 'atute' than hers."

I think he combined "astute" and "in tune." Mr. Rellim, you're a hoot!

One Month to Live: 30 Days to a No-Regrets Life

This book by Kerry and Chris Shook was . . . eh . . . OK. If you've read Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life, then you might consider it repetitious. There were some interesting analogies and practical applications suggested, but overall nothing particularly inspiring.

Next Up

The Complete C.S. Lewis Signature Classics

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."
— C. S. Lewis

True Life

So far, I've spent this Mother's Day afternoon spending time with my children, sitting in front of a roaring fireplace, eating M & Ms and reading to them The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. I find this preferable to waiting to be served mediocre food at an over-crowded restaurant.

Now, I will not refuse to be served mediocre food by my loving family in my tiny kitchen this evening. I'm thinking that homemade barbeque chicken pizza sounds good.

Mother's Day

I would like my house to be clean and my daughter's room to be picked up, vacuumed and dusted. She told me I should ask for something more realistic.

Flying

In case you didn't know, I do NOT enjoying flying. Tomorrow my sister is taking her first flight (from Chicago to Texas) and called to ask me if I want any of her stuff in case she crashes and burns. I know she was kidding, but I called to tell her to put my name on her new couch and loveseat anyway.

Spicy Sweet Doritos

Quinn tried one then said, "Well, I like them OK, but I wouldn't want to make a living eating them."

Surprise

I got home early today and walked to the bus stop to surprise the kids. I waited and waited and waved to passing cars and chatted with my neighbor. After about 15 minutes I decided that I should just wait for them in our driveway. As I walked up the driveway I noticed our front door was open.

Surprise! My kids were ALREADY home and psyched that I was not around to monitor their after-school snacking. I guess I should read the school calendar more closely for those early dismissals.

I have a suspicion that my neighbor knew my kids were already home too. She was probably enjoying watching me wait in the sun and wind.

Decisions

“Wisdom and money can get you almost anything, but only wisdom can save your life.” Ecclesiastes 7:12 (NLT)

Use wisdom (or basic math) in discerning whether or not clearing $118/week can cover over $200/week in child care expenses. Contributor of this story shall remain anonymous.

ABCs

My nephew, Austin can sing the alphabet backward. I found that amazing. His little brother, Carson has a different skill. When I asked him to say his ABCs in order to get a chocolate chip cookie, he said, "B . . .C." When I prodded him for more, he added, "6 . . . 7!" then grabbed the cookie from my hand and ran away.

Ah! Surprise and diversion. Excellent skills for a three year old.

"If you ever have any questions . . . "

That's how I ended the most recent installment of "THE talk" series. To which Rachel replied, "What do you mean? Haven't you told me everything already? There's MORE to know? How am I supposed to ask questions about anything if you haven't told me everything?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I DON'T KNOW?! WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME???!!!!"

Ahhh . . . hormones. That's it. I haven't told her about how hormones affect mood, appetite, decisions, anger management, how one speaks to her loved ones, etc.

10,000 Words

To Rachel's delight (pause) - NOT - Quinn took a moment to bust a move to the High School Musical soundtrack. His shirt is on inside-out during this, his second song. For the first, he appeared topless.

Rachel's expression is priceless! All she wanted to do was eat her parmesan cheese with the slice of pizza on the bottom to hold it together.

Fire - Again

We have cleaned up the fireplace twice already this spring, thinking that we have lit our last fire for the season. Well, not so. It's less than 40 degrees outside, my poor bell pepper plants are limp and we have a fire blazing in the hearth. I'm glad we bought the extra load of firewood last fall!

I Felt the Earth Move Again Today

There was another tremor at lunch time today. It wasn't because of my bean burrito.

Buggin' Out!

I think I saw a cockroach in my van. It was dark and I was driving and it's raining out. But I think I saw one. Quinn saw something. Rachel felt something fly by her face. I left the doors open in the rain hoping it would go away. How would a cockroach get in there?! Now I think I'll have to get a new van. And I can't quit scratching my head! AAAHHHHHGGGGG!

New Shades

Daffodils are Up!

Smooth Talker

Quinn missed his class trip to the zoo Friday because of his recent illness. A thoughtful friend approached him today with the good news that she brought something back from the zoo for him. With her hands held behind her back, she asked him to guess what it was.

Quinn queried, "True love's first kiss?"

I wish I could have seen the look on her father's face! But alas, it was a small stuffed tiger from the zoo gift shop instead. The tigress is now named Roara.

Bill Murray-esque

Today was turning out to be a little boring. There was drizzle outside, antibiotic consumption indoors, and then . . . Mr. Rellim decided to hang a bird feeder on a young oak tree near the picture window. Unfortunately for the birds, it was a large brown squirrell who benefited most from the feed.

Fortunately for our entertainment relief, Mr. Rellim decided to make it his mission to rid the earth of that squirrell. He moved the feeder to several different branches, baited a small aminal trap with peanut butter and even chased Mr. Squirrell around the yard with a forked hoe. He has not used live explosives, yet I was quickly reminded of the movie Caddyshack. Poor little gopher.

4:36 am

While visions of sugar plums danced in my head, I was rudely awakened at 4:36 am by my son running down the hallway shouting, "Something strange is happening!!" I was alert enough to notice that he was not running from his room, but from the living room, and that the TV was on. I was also aware of the house shaking.

It was then that Rachel started shouting, "Earthquake! Earthquake! We are having an earthquake! What time is it?! Everybody take cover!" How amazing that she can wake from a sound sleep and begin shouting orders. Mr. Rellim says she gets that skill from me.

Not sure why Quinn was awake, but I'm considering telling him that God made the house shake in order to let me know that he was up watching TV instead of sleeping. I don't know. "Watch out for the big fish!" isn't working for me anymore.

The morning news just confirmed this earthquake was a 5.4 and lasted for 20 seconds. Yup. The last time we had an earthquake (several years ago), I yelled at Quinn to stop jumping, "You're making the whole house shake!"

Memory Palace

My friend's husband refers to his amazing memory as his "memory palace." Here is a tidbit from the famous Sherlock Holmes as written in his first mystery A Study in Scarlet:

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.

I think this is why I tend to read nonfiction. Fluffy novels take up too much attic space.

This Morning

This morning at 7:45 I noticed Quinn walking slowly to the bus stop (too slowly). I decided to meet him at school at 8:00, where he admitted he had "a light head." He had a positive strep test (and bilateral ear infection) at the pediatrician's office at 10:30.

How can I be so super-sensitive to his cues and so off-the-mark with Rachel's?

Maybe it has to do with the fact that my brain has been shrinking since age 35. It must be true. I read it last night in a new book "Where Did I Leave My Glasses? The What, When and Why of Normal Memory Loss" by Martha Weinman Lear. Mrs. Bickerson, you'd better get yourself a copy!

Sorry

I took Quinn to the doctor a few weeks ago simply because I observed him stick his finger in his ear one morning during breakfast. The nurses love to hear that! (He did have an ear infection, by the way.)

I delayed taking Rachel to the doctor for a couple days even though she has been complaining of a sore throat, ear ache, headache and stuffy nose. (She is prone to over-dramatization.) Today I grudgingly took Rachel to the doctor and found out she has strep. Oh . . . sorry.

Noah

Quinn portrayed Noah today to help me with the preschool lesson about obedience. When it was time for him to explain how he sent a dove after the rains to find dry land, Quinn couldn't find a dove. So, instead, he threw a stuffed chicken out the window. The kids didn't really notice. Personally, I was thankful that he hadn't grabbed the elephant first.

Unicorn

Rachel bet me that "unicorn" is a word in the Bible. I lost. "Unicorn" appears in the King James Version six times. However, I am still uncertain whether the animal is a mystical or historical creature.

Unicorns are real in Harry Potter and the b l o o d of them will give eternal life - though it is a cursed thing to kill one.

That's all I know. And some people spend a lot of money buying unicorn music boxes.

Boys!

If you have a boy, this book is worth a read - or at least a perusal. He mentions that boys sometimes don't pay attention to what someone is saying (Really?!) and recommends trying this:

Up mix your words when you're to him talking - just to get attention his.

Hmmm . . . sounds like a Yoda trick.

Brownies

What's better than 76 trombones?
Seventy-two brownies!!!
We prepared them in muffin tins to make it easier to stuff into plastic bags for the 4H pork BBQ meal. Unfortunately, this particular boxed mix smells like fried chicken when baking. Next time, I'll be going back to the good ol' Baker's Chocolate Squares recipe. No school like the old school.

Three Trees

Quinn sang and acted in the church musical Sunday titled "Three Trees." He even nailed a solo! He was the tree who wanted to be made into a mighty ship. Here he is sitting on the captain's chair of a small fishing boat (he WAS the boat) talking about how he was chosen to carry the mightiest man of all - Jesus - whom even the wind and waves obeyed.

We all have dreams. God dreams bigger.

In Remembrance

Martin Luther King Jr. (January 15, 1929 - April 4, 1968)
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

From a Middle School Youth?!

My daughter created a petition regarding how funds should be spent at church and convinced four other kids to sign it. Basically, it said that their parents contribute financially to the church in order to help others in need, not to purchase game systems for the youth area. Specifically, she advised the youth minister to spend less time playing games and more time studying about Jesus.

He was stunned to hear a youth request less fun, more work. Me too.

What Should He Call It?

"Mom, the rabbit scratched my tit and now it hurts."

"That's not a nice word. You may call it your 'nipple.'"

"Dad says pigs have lots of tits."

"TEATS!! AHH! Just tell me that you have a scratch on your chest, OK?"

Lost Key

Quinn had been looking for his house key for a day or so. Rachel found it this afternoon. It was in the keyhole in the front door. Oh. Now if we can only find that library book . . .

April Fools!

My teacher friends did not think it was funny when I told them the storage facility for the completed ISAT tests burned last night and that every Illinois school would have to re-administer them to their students.

Instead, I was told April Fools day should be called, "LIARS DAY!"

I guess I touched on a sensitive area.

Success!

Choices, choices . . .

Oops!

I did it again. I saw a mom walk into the gym during my son's basketball game and noticed she was carrying a baby. I had seen her a couple times this fall and noticed she had put on some weight. Putting 2 and 2 together, I assumed the weight gain was due to pregnancy and that the baby was hers.

That's when I said it. "Hi! Look at him! I was wondering when your baby was due."

I was informed that the baby was her nephew and she is not pregnant.

Why do I keep doing this?

Glenn Beck

Never heard of him. But his book was funny. It also made me a bit paranoid. That's not funny. Maybe I can't recommend this book.

Transmission

How many times can one person read the Harry Potter series? I don't know. I'll have to ask Rachel. BTW, the black glasses are painted on her face!

Her new book love is The Series of Unfortunate Events. Dark humor for grade schoolers. I think she's on her sixth book.

Speaking of unfortunate events, the body shop can't get the van in until Monday and while driving it around town, I think I hear the gears shifting funny and there's an occasional vibrating sound around 30 mph. Is this a result of the dear deer impact or an unfortunate coincidence? I'll keep you posted.

Over the River

. . . through the woods, two barren fields, and across the ditch and into oncoming traffic. Poor Bambi.

"Not Bambi," said Mr. Rellim, "Bambi's mother."

"Not Bambi," said the police officer, "Bambi's pregnant mother."

The police officer asked that I sit in his vehicle while he wrote up the incident report using a computer with many drop-down lists for filling in the blanks. Among many other things, he asked, "How would you describe yourself? Normal?"

"What are the choices?" I asked.

He didn't laugh.

I tried not to laugh as he struggled to transform his arm rest into a printer. It was my first ride in a police cruiser. I wanted to remain in the front.

Oh, Happy Day!

Happy Easter!

We celebrated the resurrection a bit early at a worship service this evening. The next few weeks we will be studying fear and how with Jesus they can be conquered. We were invited to write our biggest fear on a card. My son wrote about his fear of an animated Disney character and "girls (not my mom) sometimes."

Double Digits

Quinn is proud to be ten years old. He missed St. Patrick's Day as a birthday by a few hours. Here he is ready to eat homemade chocolate molten lava cake. He says that when they studied volcanoes in school that no one told them how much lava tastes like chocolate.

You'll get those information gaps in some classrooms.

Eggstravaganza

Our church hosted an Easter party this afternoon. The grand prize for each grade level was a new bicycle. Mr. I-never-win-anything hauled in a brand new Roadmaster bicycle. On the way home, he said, "Mom, what do you think of my new Roadmasher?"

Basketball

Quinn's third and fourth grade team made almost three baskets tonight. WOO HOO! At one point, Quinn dove for a missed pass and fell hard to the floor. The ball bounced out of bounds and the referee asked him if he was OK. Quinn yelled with annoyance, "NOOOO!!!" and then his face said (but thankfully his mouth did not) - Didn't you just watch me fall flat on my shoulder and get my face smashed with the ball??!!

He was fine.

On a lighter note, Saturday at practice the boys were encouraged to get each other's attention with a sound or short word instead of a longer phrase. One boy chose to clap, another to say, "right here!" Quinn decided to make a loud cat-hiss noise. Nice.

When Mama's Away . . .

. . . Daddy puts them to work cleaning the gutters on the house. As I was driving closer to our home, I had one of those "Sound of Music" moments. You know, when the Captain was bringing the Baronness home to meet his children, and he saw them all climbing in the trees lining the road? Well, I saw my two kids marching around all over the roof wielding brooms as weapons. I don't know how much glutter-cleaning was really happening and I think Mr. Rellim was trying to control them by spraying them with the hose.

And still, our neighbors remain.

EWWW!!

Can you see it? There is a short, black hair sealed INSIDE my container of mandarin oranges! I realize this isn't as sensational as the lady who found a finger in her chili, but my story is REAL!

Crying Wolf

I might have believed that she hurt herself when falling off the bed this evening if she hadn't used a red sharpie to create fake bloo d on her toe earlier today, feigning a toe injury. I might have even felt sorry for her if she hadn't been hiding out in her brother's room to avoid doing supper dishes. Quinn said, "Well, Rachel, stupid is as stupid does!"

Ah, thank you, Forrest Gump!

Cabin Fever

Not sure which was more entertaining today - (1)watching my children painstakingly fill out savings deposit slips at the bank, while complaining that the money should be theirs to spend NOW or (2) listening to them test drive each and every whoopie cushion at the new Walgreens store.

Yes, that was me hiding in the other aisle, waiting for it to end.

OK, I decided. The whoopie cushion thing was the funniest.

Witlag

The delay between reception and comprehension of a joke.

This same source notes that gross ignorance is, like, 144 times worse than normal ignorance and that karaoke is a Japanese word for "tone deaf."

Also, in case you haven't heard, gravity is not just a good idea, it's the law!

Forgery

-A new word Quinn learned today when he signed my name to a permission slip because I forgot. Ironically, it was permission to join a special committee that will be teaching others about integrity and tolerance. Quinn just asked if he could get a list of all the laws because, "How was I supposed to know what forgery is?"

UPDATE: His teacher just emailed me about this and told me that if he hadn't spelled my name wrong, she might have missed it. I don't think I'll let him in on that little tidbit.

ISATS

How difficult it is to administer standardized tests to kids with emotional, behavioral and/or learning disabilities. I'd like to see the sample from which the national normative data was taken. Did anyone sit in a room with a third grader, who insisted he was Charmander from Pokemon and could not touch the testing materials for fear that they would catch fire? Did any of those test reviewers listen to cognitively impaired fourth graders with obsessive-compulsive tendencies try to pronounce "onomatopoeia" for three minutes straight? I think not.

The Garter Toss

Mr. Rellim's youngest brother got married yesterday. It was a beautiful ceremony and tremendous celebration. Quinn's attention to detail was markedly improved from the last family wedding, when at the end of the ceremony, he looked my way and whispered, "Mom! Did you see that lady in the big white dress?! What was she doing standing up there?"

Last night, Quinn's questions stemmed from his participation in the garter toss portion of the reception. With a shocked expression and astonishment in his voice, he used his arms to mimic swimming and said, "Mom! Did you see that?! Uncle Marc just . . . well . . . he . . . like . . . went INSIDE Alicia's dress, pulled something out from in there AND THREW IT AT US!!!! Ewwww! Then some guys were fighting over it and . . . and . . . WHAT WAS THAT?!