My Friend Whitney is Right

Things could have been worse.

My Geeky Boy

Rachel bought a tablecloth.  She calls it "a tapestry for my dorm room."  I told her that it looks like an evil pegasus.

Quinn commented, "It's a unicorn.  Pegasi have wings, unicorns have horns, and elicorn have wings and horns."

Laminator

I announced to my children that I brought my small laminator home for the summer.

Rachel corrected me, "You mean illaminator."

I corrected her, "Laminator.  You are thinking of the illuminator that Professor Dumbledore left Ron Weasley in his will." 

We are Harry Potter fans.

Rachel's Graduation

We were expecting a solemn ceremony to celebrate Rachel's graduation from high school.  We were wholly unprepared for the basketball-game-like atmosphere of the event.  The graduates piggy-backed each other down the aisle; a cap was bedazzled; Cheetohs were chomped; spectators whooped and hollered, then walked out after their graduate's name was called; a beach ball appeared for the graduates' entertainment; speakers' topics were not inspirational, but filled with impertinent remarks about fellow graduates and teachers.

The good news is that Rachel graduated with honors and did receive her diploma.  The a cappella group's rendition of the National Anthem was spectacular.  And we are very proud of her.

But I'm still going to write a letter to the editor.  I believe that a high school graduation should have some sense of decorum and that a higher standard should be set for both participants and spectators.

Note to Self

You can really learn who is paying attention to your conversation when you respond to a question like this:

"Oh, Mr. Rellim, you remember her.  You slept with her dad in New York City."


Instead of responding like this:

"Oh, Mr. Rellim, you remember her.  You and her father shared a hotel room when you chaperoned the high school chorus trip to New York City."

Tuition Deposit Received

Rachel is to be a Viking!

Get used to that winter coat, girlie.

The job search?  Well, she has a two-hour gig cleaning a family business on the weekends, intermittent babysitting, and a likely sub sandwich delivery driving in the works.  The food service job at the hospital is full at this time.  The movie place interview was short and sweet.  They like her but won't hire someone who won't be around in the fall  :(  I'd be out pounding the pavement, but my Little Rellim is a laid-back kinda gal.  She totally gets that from her father.  They just know that something will come up..

Ultimatum

We told Rachel that we will send in the tuition deposit at her college of choice as soon as she gets a job.
(Oh, please, please get a job!  Get a job soon because the deadline to send in the deposit is May first.)

Many years ago, my great aunt put an ad in the local newspaper for a handyman - without my great uncle's knowledge.  He worked several random jobs before learning about the secret advertisement.

Makes me feel less guilty about filling out two job applications for Rachel tonight.  But I did tell her from whom to expect phone calls.

She's Back!

Mr. Rellim and I worked in the yard for quite a while today.  Happy Spring! 

And Mrs. Neighbor timed it perfectly to intercept me on the way to the backyard.  I just knew she was going to complain about something in our landscaping.  Instead, the conversational topic surprised me.  As odd a conversation as it was, it was still a new topic.

Mrs. Neighbor:  Oh, hello!  I'd like to put a little thought in your brain.  I have so many things I've been saving for my "girl," but my son is more interested in test tubes at this point.  He has no room for women in his life - at least for now.  And I've been saving and saving things and I just need to clean house.

Me:  (Please, please don't ask me to buy your stuff.  Please, please don't ask me to come into your house.  Please, please don't ask me to set up your son with a friend of mine.)

Mrs. Neighbor:  So, what do you think about a neighborhood garage sale?  Do you think we could put together something like that?

Me:  Well, I'm sure you could have a successful sale, but we don't have much to contribute.  We donate items on a regular basis.

Mrs. Neighbor:  So, do you think it should be in May, June, July or August?  No, not August (fanning self).  That would be much too hot.  How about the first or second weekend in May?

Me:  Well, the high school graduation is the second weekend in May, so that will be a busy weekend.

Mrs. Neighbor:  Why don't you talk to some neighbors and see when would work for them.

Me:  We won't be participating in this garage sale, but I'm sure you could pull it together.

Mrs. Neighbor:  Well then, that's settled.  You go talk to some neighbors and get a date set for this to happen.

Me:  (walking away with a puzzled look on my face, searching frantically for Mr. Rellim who had conveniently disappeared to the other side of the house.)

Siri: Reader Discretion Advised

I received this text from Mr. Rellim:
     "You look like a hockey today."

Apparently, Siri hasn't taken to calibrating his speech well.

I wanted to text back something about a puck, but decided that would be of poor taste.

So now it's here for you to giggle (or gasp) about.

Handy Down

That's how my friend's daughter says, "hand-me-down."  I was about to correct her when I noted that her mother says it the same way.  Now I just smile.

And I smile when I get hand-me-downs too.  Perhaps it's because I'm the oldest in the family.  Heck!  I'm the oldest grandkid on both sides of the family, so I didn't grow up receiving hand-me-downs.  I suppose what I'm getting now are hand-me-ups.

The latest hand-me-up:  A 2003 Impala.  So it needs a muffler and some brakes?  Midas does that!

Quinn said he would drive to Wheaton to pick it up, but he doesn't know how he could drive two cars back home.

And he's the smart one in math.

Nine and a Half Weeks

Mr. Rellim and I walked into the waiting room for the follow-up with his orthopedic surgeon.  It has been about two months since his shoulder surgery.  On the way in, I noticed a teenage boy who had the tell-tale signs of a fresh ACL repair.  Mike walked to the receptionist to check in while I stopped briefly to chat with the young man and his father and encourage him to keep his chin up.

After speaking with them, I turned around to look for Mike, who (I thought) was already sitting in the back corner messing with his iPhone.  As I slinked into the chair next to him, I leaned on the shared armrest, clearly into the man's space, to check out what he was doing on his phone.  It was at that time that I noticed two bandaged fingers on his left hand.  I gasped and said, "What did you do to your fingers?!"  (I mean, how could Mike have hurt himself and gotten bandaged up all in the short amount of time that I had spent chatting with the other waiting room waiters?)

Then, my brain kicked in and I realized that this phone-surfing gentleman was not Mr. Rellim.  I quickly stood up and said, "Oh!  I'm so sorry!  I thought you were my husband."  I scanned the room for Mike and found him still standing at the receptionist's desk with his back to me, slowly shaking his head.

An older lady giggled.  The man whom I had frightened did not.

Still Waiting

We are still waiting to hear from the college of choice regarding the complete financial aid package.  But I did peek at her mail today and learn that Rachel has been awarded a $2,000.00 per year music scholarship based on her vocal audition.  Hooray! 

I know Rachel really wants to accept the offer and send in the tuition deposit, but I am holding out for the official financial aid letter.  Perhaps tomorrow.

Selflessness

The sermon was about how Jesus gave up everything for us.  And how he arranged for the care of his mother in his last moments on the cross.  The pastor talked about how we need to be more selfless.

On the way out of church, Mr. Rellim said to someone, "Well, I'd love to stay and visit, but we have an Illini game to watch.  And I realize the irony of my situation."

Forgiveness

The sermon was about forgiveness.  After church, I walked over to talk to an older gentleman that I hadn't seen for almost two years.  He looked a bit more feeble and I was sort of worried that he might not remember me.  I greeted him and said, "Hello!  I've been thinking about you and I'm so glad to see you this morning."  Without missing a beat, he asked, "Why?  Am I someone you need to forgive?"

Better than the Wet Sock

When I was 19 years old, my parents took my three younger sisters and me on my last family vacation.  The six of us drove to Orlando, Florida to experience Disney World.  This was a generous vacation for any child to experience, but unfortunately, I was extremely ungrateful.  I'm sure it was because of my age - and now I finally understand that!  Or maybe it's because six is a crowd in any standard hotel room.

One evening, after a rainstorm, the power went out and the only light source was a Mickey flashlight, whose current new owner was my youngest sister, age twelve.  We needed the light to shower and use the restroom, but she wouldn't let anyone touch it.  Instead, she insisted on standing in the corner of the bathroom, holding the flashlight.

The humidity got worse with the showering, and then the air conditioning unit started leaking.  One of my sisters complained of this and my father pretty much told her to be quiet.  A few minutes later we heard a loud "THWACK!"  I laughed because whatever it was sounded funny.  My dad lunged toward the laughter, because he assumed the person laughing had thrown the wet sock (wet from the puddle of water near the air conditioner) which had hit his face, making the loud "THWACK!"

With the chaos, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but no one was injured.  The power was eventually restored and we lived to tell the tale.  My dad says that vacationing with five women is enough to kill a weaker man.  I'm still uncertain which of my sisters threw that sock, but my dad still believes it was me.

But this post was really to tell you about the night in the hotel room with the Rellims on Friday night . . .

We were all snuggled down for a long winter's nap, when what to my wondering ears should be heard, but the simple question, "Where's Quinn?" asked Rachel.

I knew a few moments ago that he was lying in the bed next to Rachel.  No one had opened a door.  No one was in the bathroom.  And the room was pitch black.  That could only mean one thing - Quinn was on the prowl to scare the crap out of someone.

I assumed my defensive stance  - fetal position, under the covers, eyes closed.

Mr. Rellim was not so forward-thinking and took a small punch in the gut from the invisible man.

I know I shouldn't laugh, but it really was funny.

Another Visit

We are home from another college visit.  This time, Rachel had an interview for acceptance into the Honors Program and a vocal audition.  This is  her school of choice, but we haven't confirmed yet because we are waiting to hear about the financial aid package - and of course, whether she is awarded a music scholarship.

How do people afford college?

Netsch

"She just never found her netsch in life, I guess."

The SLP in me just could not stay quiet.  I asked the speaker if she was talking about a bird and if so, the word was "nest."  If not, the word was niche.

BTW, I have a close relationship to the speaker and she understands me.

Currently Salivating

Mr. Rellim read much of this book aloud to me yesterday.  He was very much impressed with the creative use of one of his favorite ingredients.  His only criticism:  "They should double the amount of bacon in every recipe!"

It's True

At 8:01 a. m. a coworker said, "Mrs. Rellim, wait!  You have something on your pants."

At 8:03 a. m. I used the bathroom mirror to deduce that the "something" was a tear - a long vertical tear.  Too bad my underwear did not match my pants.  I just kept my sweater pulled down low.

New Driver

"But, Mom!  I didn't even know the car was getting close - until I hit it!"

So . . . is that an excuse?

I'm considering never driving a newer car ever again.  But perhaps my children are taking care of that for me.

Use This Word in a Sentence

Gleeful

"I'm having a gleeful time eating my bacon and egg sandwich.  Don't tell me to wipe my mouth."

(I didn't even know it was a word.  And I certainly didn't think it would be used in conjunction with a breakfast experience.  But then again, I must remember the genetics into which I married.)

Heaven's New Resident

My grandma, Grace Annabelle.  I miss her, but smile when I think about the reunions taking place!

She was a talented vocalist before Star Search could find her.  

Today, she might have been a multi-millionaire.

She was a wife and mother back when that profession was honored as it should be.

She was a modern woman before her time – widowed into single motherhood with five kids at home.

She was a single mother before it became a protected status.

She was a strong woman who worked hard to support her family when women were not appreciated in the workforce.

She raised five children who love Jesus.

She may have inadvertently invented the crock pot by slow-cooking a roast in a big pot on the back burner for a couple days.

She was present and involved with family events and activities.

She baked a mean pumpkin roll.

She spoke her mind.

She loved.

And she found love again when she married Russ in 2004.

He has lovingly cared for her since that time.

She was beautiful her entire life.

And I can only imagine her glorified body as Jesus will see her.

She lived well.

She is loved.

Eighteen

There is now another legal adult living in our home.  Beautiful, brainy, silly - she bought an e-cigarette over her lunch hour.  Maybe she isn't concerned about second hand water vapor.

Her grandparents, an aunt and a cousin visited for supper and chocolate cake.  My mom reminisced, "When I was your age, I was already engaged.  To Bob."

"Who's Bob?" Rachel asked. 

Audit Risk: High

I mean, I appreciate the honesty of Turbo Tax, but what am I supposed to do?  Un-deduct my business expenses so that it appears I turned a profit?  Not take the child Earned Income Credit?  Forget about the unreimbursed business mileage?  Quit reporting donations to religious groups?

And how is it that we both got raises in 2013, yet our AGI fell by 3K?  Oh, yeah - the deductions - and increases in insurance premiums.

C'mon, IRS!  You've audited us twice already.  Please leave us alone.  Don't you have bigger fish to fry?

It was a Dark and Stormy Morning

Mr. Rellim and I decided to brave the weather to do some Wal-Mart-ing.  I wore a pullover with a hood.  The fella in line behind us planned poorly, but I give him points for ingenuity.  He was paying for a box of Hefty trash bags - minus one.

That one, friends, was out of the box and over his head - with three holes poked out for his neck and arms.

I haven't seen the likes of that since my high school summers spent roguing and detassling corn.  I wore a trash bag every morning to walk through the corn until the dew evaporated.

While looking for a picture to post of such a sight, I came across this blog post about how trash bags can be an excellent piece of a survival kit.

Communicators R Us

While eating at a local restaurant, Rachel and I both heard Mr. Rellim exclaim excitedly about his ovaries.

Rachel laughed.  I wondered if he had taken some pain meds before leaving.

When given chance to explain himself, "Mr. Rellim happily stuffed more of his over-easy eggs into his mouth."

Take Me to Your Leader

Spidey is fairly enamored with The Amazing Spiderman.  He often confuses fantasy and reality. 

We used FaceTime today in therapy to have a conversation with another boy.  It was a chance to help Spidey learn conversational skills for meeting new people.  The boy mentioned that he was going swimming later today.  Spidey asked, "Is it summer in your world?!"

The boy tried to explain that he was in the same world as Spidey but that the swimming pool was indoors at the YMCA.  Spidey was not convinced.

Recovery

We had heard that patients should sleep in a recliner following shoulder surgery because resting flat in bed would be extremely uncomfortable.  And now we KNOW that to be true.

Thank you to Polly who loaned us a recliner in which Mr. Rellim currently sleeps.

We had heard that sudden movements should be avoided following shoulder surgery.  Now we KNOW that sudden movements (and in particular, quick, jerking movements) cause pain.  But we did not know how often these sudden movements might occur.  For example, Mr. Rellim tends to flinch in the following situations:

1.  When Quinn jumps out from unexpected places.
2.  When nearly tripping over the extension cord on the ice pack machine.
3.  When watching zombie movies.
4.  When Rachel screams because her brother nearly tricked her into eating pork.  (In his defense, he did think it was buffalo chicken dip.)
5.  When laughing at funny Psych episodes.
6.  When Quinn jumps out from unexpected places.

College Follies

Rachel and I visited her top-choice college yesterday.  I gave her the atlas and asked her to plot our course.  She told me how to get to Rockford (but the college is in Rock Ridge).

Rachel wanted to see the campus at night, so while we were driving around, I stopped and convinced a couple of coeds to climb in the backseat and give us a tour.  The pick up line was something like this, "You both know that you should never ever accept rides from strangers, but  . . . "

During an icebreaker activity in the psychology department open house, I skewed the data by anticipating that it was an experiment, predicting the response they expected I would make, then doing something different.  Rachel appeared to be mortified, but I think she was secretly impressed.

Narcotics is Funny

Mr. Rellim had shoulder surgery yesterday and the painkillers have been causing him to say some funny things.  Rachel and I have started a list and thought we would share some with you:

1.  Is this ice even cold?
2.  I can feel my thumb now.  It's all numb.
3.  Why doesn't anyone ever buy me Scooby Snacks?
4.  I don't have autism!
5.  Give them some money from my cash-hole (I think he meant "wallet.").

Excuse Me

I was using Facetime with my almost-three-year-old niece, Evelyn.  She was reading books to me and trying to play a card game Memory.  It's not the same playing a game via video call.

My sister hiccuped and said, "Excuse me!  I hiccuped."
Evelyn stood up and said, "Excuse me!  I peed."

First manners, then toilet-training.

Snow Day

We have shoveled our driveway four times today and made a couple snowmen.   Well, one snowman is sort of a grinch-looking creature with really long walking stick arms.  The other is much shorter, with antlers - like the Grinch's dog, Max.

Enjoy this video too!

Speech-Language Pathology Humor

Sometimes people mistake my fantastic diadochokinetic skills for beatboxing. 
And I'm OK with that.