Post Christmas Post

The children are nestled all snug in their beds - because it's only 8 am. 
I'm itching to pack away the Christmas tree - because it's collecting dust.
Mike is recovering from a Christmas cold and I'm sorting through the year's photos.

I hope both of my readers had a joyous Christmas. 
We did!

The Eve of Christmas Eve

Now that the kids are older, Santa's visit doesn't produce as much enthusiasm.
But we are enjoying the day anyway.

Three Days Before Christmas

When making caramel corn and a little boiling caramel is accidentally drizzled over your hand, DO NOT LICK IT!  The boiling caramel sauce will be immediately transferred to your tongue, which will then be in as much pain as your hand.  The deliciousness does not take away the burning sensation.  Let this be a lesson unto you.

It's the Fifth Day Before Christmas

Mike just repaired something in the toilet tank using a paperclip. (Do not use the half-bath!)

Quinn reported that he has a proposal ready in case his wife is a smoker.  He will put the ring in a cigarette box and say, "Marriage-you-wanna?"  It's funny, he says, because it sounds like, "marijuana." (romantic)

I participated in a flash mob at the local mall.  At the exactly 2:10 p.m., we all started singing Joy To The World.  I reminded Quinn and his friend that there would be no actual "flashing" involved. (They were disappointed.)

Afterlife

Mr. Rellim says that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, he would like to come back as a bra. 
A push-up bra.

Rock Dent

Quinn came home from his delivery job and said, "I got pretty good tips tonight, but I got a dent from a rock."  I wondered if that was one of the tips he received - like someone threw a rock at his car or something.  We live in a college town, you know.  (One evening a coed flashed him her pierced nipples, but that's a post for another day.).

So I looked at the passenger side door with the aid of a flashlight and didn't really think much of it.  Then I looked at it the next morning.  The dent was sizeable and more of a massive scratch.  Certainly no one threw the rock that caused this damage.  Plus, there was something else wrong, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  So I asked Quinn again about how it happened.

The story went something like this, "I was pulling out of the dark apartment complex and someone started coming right at me, so I made a quick right turn to get out of the way."  We visited the site of the incident the next morning.  The video tells all.  And we found the part of his car that was missing.

Pink

Mr. Rellim wore a pink polo today to church.  He said that he wanted women to know " . . . that I am aware of their breasts."  I told him that isn't exactly what Breast Cancer Awareness Month was all about.

Hot Pants

As the President of our local area speech-language hearing association, I complained about the cost of speakers for our events.  I strongly suggested that someone from within our group put together the next workshop - free of charge.  All eyes looked at me, so FINE - I volunteered to do it.

The workshop was yesterday, titled The Best Things We Ever Learned.  It was a compilation of favorite tips/techniques/resources, etc from members within our group.  Our national association even approved it for five hours of continuing education credit - sweet!

Nervous?  Who am I kidding?  More like excited!  An entire room full of people  - a captive audience - who had to listen to me all day.  I mean, I tend to ask a lot of questions during these events anyway and make many comments to my neighbors, so why not be the one with the microphone?

I think the event was a success.  We had the biggest attendance in recent years and no one left early.  Plus, there was a lot of laughing.  The biggest bout of laughter came at my expense, however.

I drank some coffee at lunchtime.  I never drink coffee at lunch.  I hardly ever drink coffee at all.  Most of my coffee consumption would be classified as "coffee creamer."

After lunch, the presentation began with some of my favorite items for therapy.  Instead of describing how these techniques/items could be used, I decided to demonstrate.  This was not in the plan.  So I demonstrated how a book with rhyming words could be "rapped."  I encouraged vocal percussion sounds.  I demonstrated how my white monkey puppet named Jingles could be used to motivate kids.  Then Jingles started backtalking me, insisted that he try on some of the items in my sparkly pink shoulder bag - and before I knew it, Jingles was dressed in drag and telling the audience that he was born that way.

But that's not the most embarrassing part.  After encouraging Jingles to take a break from his performance, I returned to the Power Point and clicked on a link for a website with many activities for kids with autism.  My Firefox browser opened, "churned," then finally popped up a website for SEXY HALLOWEEN HOT PANTS."

I was shocked, but it was funny, so I just said, "What?!  I have no idea how that got there!  I swear it's not mine!  I've never seen it before in my life!  I'm not even dressing up for Halloween this year!"

So far, I have received no phone calls from the national office.  And I'm not sure if I've violated anything in our code of ethics. But if you have a need for a speaker to entertain your group, I got a monkey for you.

Why I Work

1.  As I led a Kindergartener to my speech/language therapy room, he said to me, "I like your bedroom."  Yeah, it does feel like I live here at times.  I just smiled and said, "Thank you."

2.  During a whole-class lesson, one Kindergartener pulled a wad of used toilet paper out of his pants and shouted, "Hey!  Who put this in my pants?!"  I briefly turned to gag and laugh at the same time - an unusual combination of emotions - while others in the class started feeling around in their pants.  I suppose they wondered who would do such a thing and hoped it hadn't happened to them.

Smurfette

My niece, Evelyn found a mushroom in her backyard.  You never know what you'll find in the Northwoods.

Tree Play (There was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly)

It was birthday time for the Rellim Triplets.  No less than 11 cousins and 12 adults arrived for the festivities which included a bonfire, hay rack ride, mulch-pile climbing (king-of-the-mountain style!), biking, farm animal chasing, eating (of course), and a fun game called "ladders."  To play ladders, a person throws a pair of weighted plastic balls that are joined by a cord, toward a four rung ladder.  Points are awarded based on whether or not the balls catch on a rung and dependent upon which rung is caught.

Before long, one pair of balls is noted 30 feet up, tangled in the branches of a nearby weeping willow tree.  "No problem," said our Mr. Rellim, who then proceeded to toss a basketball  toward the stuck pair.  Unfortunately, the basketball toss only succeeded in knocking the balls to a branch 50 feet up in the air.

Mr. Rellim then started using a javelin-like technique with a large push broom to dislodge the balls.  Three throws later, the push broom was resting amongst the dense branch foliage.

Not to be discouraged, the basketball toss was re-employed to knock out the push broom.  Cousins scattered as small, dry branches started raining down - followed by the push broom.  The push broom handle then exploded upon impact with the ground.  But Rellim men (even the younger ones), know how to use their duct tape.  Voila!  New push broom handle.

Yet still, the balls dangled.  Repeated basketball tosses succeeded only in spraying the play area with more tree debris before ultimately entangling the basketball itself in the uppermost branches of the weeping willow.

But these are FARM BOYS!  Bring on the challenge!  With no more basketballs to toss and knowing better than to risk complete obliteration of the newly-repaired push broom, a new tool was found.  It was spotted near the bonfire.  It was a large rake - minus the rake.  (Well, minus most of the rake.  There was still some rusted metal head-of-the-rake parts screwed on the end.)

Warnings were shouted.  Cousins were cleared from the area.  Javelin-tossing ensued.  Pair of balls were rescued.  Rust-tipped rake handle weapon, however, remains in the tree, awaiting a strong wind.

I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Time

"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we've got." 

— Art Buchwald

And it's time for me to go to bed, but if I don't tell you these things, they will slip my mind.

1.  Quinn has been taunting me for months that he is going to go to the pound and rescue a dog.  I don't want a dog.  They make me sneeze.  They make him sneeze, for goodness sake!  He tells me frequently, "Dad and I are going to get a German Shepherd behind your back." Oh!  What a day that would be.



2.  During a short road trip, Quinn learned that large orange barrels trump painted white lines in construction zones.
3.  Quinn was outside buffing his right front fender.  He said, "I'm trying to wipe off the Arby's drive-through."  I was trying to figure out how he spilled ketchup or whatever on the front of his car, and then I thought - Oh!  - the actual drive-through.
4.  On the way to the allergist this morning, Quinn was excitedly talking about the different breeds of dogs he was going to rescue.  He is actually looking forward to beginning immunotherapy.  Then he started spouting off about something else and I just had to correct him.  In response, he shouted, "HEY!  I might be an idiot, but I'm not stupid!"
5.  Look!  Quinn is still allergic to stuff.  Lots of stuff.  And that is just his right upper arm.  Allergists find lots of places to poke.  The doctor is pointing to the cat and dog test spots.

 

Patience

The sermon was about patience, forbearance.  About how we can try to be more like God and try to maintain emotional calm during times of disquiet. 

I must say that the kids did not honk the horn this morning as they waited (patiently) for Mr. Rellim and I to exit church.  And I did not raise my voice when I found a bra in the backseat of the car.

Apparently, this was Rachel's silent objection to her extended wait.

Thoughts about Dorm Life

My daughter will be moving into a dorm next month.  This will be the first time she has had a roommate.  As I contemplate how I can help soften her transition, I realize that she is just going to have to jump in and experience it and hope for the best.

When I was living in a dorm, most people had small refrigerators, an occasional girl had a TV, and no one had a personal computer.  Oh, how things have changed.  I even found information in her Residential Life handbook limiting the amount of electrical appliances one can have in a room.  Of particular interest is the list of Forbidden Appliances:

Space heaters, fog machines, halogen lamps, air conditioners, sunlamps, open-coil heaters, immersion coils, deep-fat fryers, hot plates, toasters, toaster ovens, electric skillets, electric woks, pizza ovens, anything with an exposed heating element or burner, large power tools and any other appliance deemed by staff to be hazardous are not permitted.

You have to smile, because you sorta wish you could have been there the night the college ascertained that fog machines and large power tools had to be included on the list.  And it kinda makes me want to look for a fog machine - because HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Dear Telemarketer

1.  When I answer the phone, I expect that there will be someone on the other end.  Do not wait two or three seconds to start speaking.  And especially don't say, "hello?" back to me.  You called me, remember? 

2.  Speak clearly, caller from Cardholder Services.  My son thought you were from a "Carnival Circus."  (But . . . he isn't the best listener . . . so I guess I'll give you a pass on this one.)

3.  If you ask for Mr. Rellim and a male voice says, "Sorry, I'm dead," just hang up.   You are not speaking to a phantom.  He cannot donate to your cause.  The man is just messing with you and is not going to buy whatever it is you are selling.

My Friend Whitney is Right

Things could have been worse.

My Geeky Boy

Rachel bought a tablecloth.  She calls it "a tapestry for my dorm room."  I told her that it looks like an evil pegasus.

Quinn commented, "It's a unicorn.  Pegasi have wings, unicorns have horns, and elicorn have wings and horns."

Laminator

I announced to my children that I brought my small laminator home for the summer.

Rachel corrected me, "You mean illaminator."

I corrected her, "Laminator.  You are thinking of the illuminator that Professor Dumbledore left Ron Weasley in his will." 

We are Harry Potter fans.

Rachel's Graduation

We were expecting a solemn ceremony to celebrate Rachel's graduation from high school.  We were wholly unprepared for the basketball-game-like atmosphere of the event.  The graduates piggy-backed each other down the aisle; a cap was bedazzled; Cheetohs were chomped; spectators whooped and hollered, then walked out after their graduate's name was called; a beach ball appeared for the graduates' entertainment; speakers' topics were not inspirational, but filled with impertinent remarks about fellow graduates and teachers.

The good news is that Rachel graduated with honors and did receive her diploma.  The a cappella group's rendition of the National Anthem was spectacular.  And we are very proud of her.

But I'm still going to write a letter to the editor.  I believe that a high school graduation should have some sense of decorum and that a higher standard should be set for both participants and spectators.

Note to Self

You can really learn who is paying attention to your conversation when you respond to a question like this:

"Oh, Mr. Rellim, you remember her.  You slept with her dad in New York City."


Instead of responding like this:

"Oh, Mr. Rellim, you remember her.  You and her father shared a hotel room when you chaperoned the high school chorus trip to New York City."